Uh...y'know what, I was about to rant about my state of mind but as I calmed down little by little, I decided not to do it. My readers have had more than enough of my immaturity. Ok, my crush (yes it's him again. Brace yourself!) claimed to phone me three times at three different numbers a couple days ago, after I'd SMS-ed him that I needed someone to talk to. The numbers he dialed didn't include my cellphone, so I assumed he must've called me at my mum's number, my driver's, and home, since I've rung him using all those numbers. First I checked my driver's phone, his number wasn't on the lists of missed calls or received calls. Ditto with my mom's. Then I asked one of my maids if there was a phonecall for me from a bloke called Brad (assumed name). She said there was. Woo hoo! I could hardly believe my hearing at that time! I still have a chance on him! This is really the polar turnover of my last post about him!
On a slightly sad note, Andy is supposed to be here by now, having told me that he'd fly to Jakarta on August 2. But until this moment I still haven't heard from him, and whenever I see him online (per August 3), he's either away or quicly goes offline when I greet him. Oh well...either he really doesn't want to keep his promise of a violin duet with me, or he flew here with his girlfriend, who has her eyes on him 24/7. That girl's a jealous bitch...She deleted my testimonial for her beau just so hers could be the first one. But what the Andy's taken but Brad isn't, and it's the latter that matters now!
Thursday, August 5, 2004, 05:41 p.m.

So. The meeting's off. And it broke my heart. And this is what I hate about love (am I really in love with him, I wonder? For now, consider I am). Why can't I get the blokes I really fall for? Do I really have no other choice but to settle with any of those who want me, are willing to do anything for me, but I don't love in return? I KNOW IT, GOD, YOU NEVER WANT ME TO HAVE THE MEN OF MY DREAMS! I SO LOATHE YOU!'ll rephrase it. I really hate You just for now, and by the end of the day I'll be begging You on my knees again for more blessings.
I can't be sillier. It's really apparent all along that I'm semi non-existent in his world, despite my comeback. It's me who do the calling, the adding, the hi-byes, and now the meeting arrangement. He just sits back and smiles to himself thinking, "Whee, she still has the hots for me!" God, stupid, stupid, stupid. Yet I still try my luck on him, hoping it'll get better sooner or later. Gah.
Why should there be love? You taken people will disagree with me, but for me love is nothing more than a piece of crap. Think about it. Whether or not you realize it, love makes people sacrifice themselves, hurt themselves, yet in the end they hardly get what they deserve. I cried myself to sleep when I was with Pipi, and now I do the same with this bloke. I hope today will be the last time I bask in the stupidity and falacy of love. I really should preserve love for those who really deserve it, like my parents and best mates.
Honey, give me a second chance. Look, FIVE YEARS! I'm definitely no longer that gawky dork I once was, you once knew. I am wiser. More mature. Smarter. I am a lady! I wear skirts! Pastel colors! I think before I speak! I...have changed. So, you completely forgot me, eh? I don't believe you! We were close, closer than we are now. It's crystal clear you still think I'm that high school sophomore, clad in plain jeans, cartoon tees and sweaters, and Reeboks. I'll prove you wrong.
God, so You didn't answer my prayers for better GPA and IELTS scores, but this time, please...either make my crush notice me more, or erase love completely from me. I don't wanna hurt myself, and I don't want to be the burden for those who love me. I don't want to be the one feeling guilty in the end, as guilt, like love, is a very consuming feeling. But still, I owe you a thank you for getting me and him back in touch with each other. You rock!
Henny, the meeting tomorrow is still on, right? It had better be. You're unlikely to read this blog, so I'll give you this post's recap tonight. You'll know what to do over dinner tomorrow...just sit and be all ears coz I'll be totally self-centered.
Kokos, your ever-so-emotially unstable lil' sis is in need of your help...
Readers, don't just read. Moreover, don't CRITIZE OR JUDGE coz IT WON'T BE TOLERATED. Comfort me, pretty please?
Monday, August 2, 2004, 02:32 p.m.

Omigod...this is the dead chick...If you live in Indonesia then you know the story. Amanda didn't go home for a few days since Wednesday (7/28), her family and friends panicked and they made announcements everywhere, including Friendster bulletins. Then last Friday (if I'm not mistaken), her body was found in a Nissan Terrano at Jalan Soekarno Hatta, Bandung. It didn't take the cops long to find out that the murderer was none other than the late Ms. Amanda Devina Hartoyo's boyfriend, Ronald Johannes, whose Friendster is THIS!
Good sad, Amanda's fave books include any book about murder, and she became a murder victim herself. Maybe she'd like her story to be published as a mystery book, Agatha Christie style? LOL. But scary thing is, potential criminals live among us, as there's actually a criminal inside each and every one of us. I guess when Ronald signed up on Friendster, he never thought that soon after he'd take the life of his very own girlfriend.
Okie...enough with the gore. Y'know what, now I'm thankful that my crush forgot me! The way I got to know him was the most embarassing way any girl could ever get to know someone by! Don't ask! I hope he won't be reminded of it when he sees me tomorrow if the meeting's still on!
Sunday, August 1, 2004, 06:55 p.m.

Ok...from now on, I guess, this blog of mine will be mainly about my mysterious crush. Hehehe. I've been playing 1998 and 1999 hits like crazy, reminiscing how I felt at the time those songs burnt the charts. Sad for he broke my heart, afraid I'd lose him forever since I didn't get his home address and lost his e-mail address. It wasn't that I didn't try to get his contacts via his Jakarta kin. I did once, but I sort of had an argument with his dad (don't ask). Ok, so back then I listened to the songs with aforementioned feelings, but now it's quite otherwise. LOL. Now that he's just a phonecall away and meetings are always possible...
And I'm proud about the fact that I'm one of the very few people from his pre-USA times (or could even be the only one) who resurfaced in his world. He told me he wasn't even in touch with his high school buddies the first time I called him in five years. And that his Friendster contained mostly new people and the ones from his USA college days. When I asked him why, he said he "just didn't wanna be found". I assume that meant he wanted to build a whole new world, establish a whole new self image, since he was known as a player among his pre-USA mates. But whatever it actually meant. Really, until this very moment I still can't believe he's been single for a year since his graduation and homecoming to Indonesia, since...well, apart from his singledom, everything about him stays pretty much the same.
Anyway, we're planning to meet up on Monday, August 2. We've been talking about this meet up thingie perhaps since the first week we got back in touch with one another, but there's always been something standing in the way...This time we really should meet up! LOL. I always remember how he always asked me to wear skirts other than my school uniform ones, but I always said no as I was one stubborn tomboy, and at the meeting I wanna wear a skirt especially for him...But then again, since his memory isn't as good as mine (not only did he completely forget me, but he also didn't recognize the website he set up in his early USA days when I showed it to him a couple days ago), I think I'll just put on whatever hits my mind. He's more than unlikely to remember he ever begged his once boyish girl friend to wear a skirt.
But you know what today's highlight is? That he's finally able to recognize my voice! What's the fuss about it, you ask. Well, get this: We weren't in touch WHATSOEVER in MORE than five years, have just been back in touch for merely three weeks, we don't talk everday, and he's never had any special feeling for me. Even last night when I called him using my mum's number, he didn't know who he was talking with even after I'd babbled about whatever came to mind. Today, when I called him using my driver's number (I use other people's number coz I'm running out of credits), he could immediately recognize my voice! How impressive is that, given the aforementioned conditions? I only needed 3 weeks to plant my voice on the mind of the second biggest crush (after Pipi) of my life, after 5+ years of absence!
On to a totally different note, I feel sorry for Ayodya Prasad Chaubey, a drug case prisoner who's been sentenced to death. The old Indian bloke's spent A DECADE waiting for his execution in a jailhouse in Medan, East Sumatera, Indonesia, while his advocate/lawyer/attorney/whatever they're called has to tried appeal not only to a higher court but also to the president, to no avail. Thus, his execution will be held one of these days, he's most likely to be gone by Independence Day. What enrages me is even though there was no evidence shown in his trial back in 1994, still he was given a death sentence. How unfair.
Saturday, July 31, 2004, 07:14 p.m.

Alright, my Bandung vacation was fun, except at night when the ghosts and ghouls in my uncle's house scared the shit of me and Lia. Seriously. At the first night, Lia couldn't get a wink of sleep because she heard someone (or something) knocking on our door rhythmically. Then on the second night, it was my turn to hear someone (or something) banging on the door. I didn't report it to either my uncle or any of my girl cousins. And guess what, I didn't realize the house was haunted until Wednesday when we were on our way back to Jakarta. All of a sudden I remembered my cousin telling me her experience with the other kind of inhabitant in her house. It was one night when she was staying up late before the computer, which was right across the top of the stairs. Suddenly she heard footsteps on the stairs, but as soon as she looked over her shoulder, the noise stopped. Scawwy.
It's strange that my cousin and her family have been living in the house for more than four years despite its oddity and before my last Bandung holidays, I never had to deal with the non-human inhabitants of the house, although I almost always stayed there whenever I was in Bandung. Well, that experience should teach me not to stay in that house ever again if I go to Bandung.
On a happier note, I met up with Ken today! We had a nice lunch at Oh La La Cafe at Plaza Indonesia (actually it was nice on my part only...Ken didn't feel like eating thanks to his flu), and it was fun dragging to the bookstores there...LOL. He's quiet, most of the time it was me who did the talking. Hehehe :P And yes of course we took a pic! This time with his digicam, since mine is travelling to Japan with my bro and dad. To view the picture, you must wait until Ken's back in Holland (his flight is scheduled on August 2), because there's no computer in his relatives' house (where he stays in Jakarta). I can't wait either.
Thursday, July 29, 2004, 10:12 p.m.

Nana. 21 (as of May 14, 2004). Spring baby. Avid reader. On-off clairvoyance. Arab-White-Indonesian by ethnicity, Indonesian by nationality. Senior year at Universitas Indonesia (a.k.a The School of Hard Knocks). Pioneer spirit. Been on Friendster since June 2003, LJ since July 2001, blogging since May 2001, and online since July 1997. Proud member of The Single Circuit. Baby blue and baby pink. Brandon Lee (RIP). Shin Koyamada. Makes all-around nice layouts (though not highly skilled). Online quizzes. Sign her guestbook or check out her archives.



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