and i am tellin you stuff...
English 101 test results are out and I'm frightened as fuck.
Today I went out looking nerdy. I mean, totally. And I didn't realize it until a few moments after I got home, having finished today's roundabouts. Eeeek! I can't wait 'til the morning coz I soo wanna show the city that I'm not a major nerd, I just made a mistake yesterday!
You see, I wanna tell it all to you, but what I'd get would be, "Why are you telling me stuff? We're not even friends," followed by, "I gotta go." You know how much that hurts me? Like a girl having her boyfriend of four years telling her he'll leave her for someone else, that's how much! You had me at hello, I think this is the hundredth time I'm telling you this. I liked you. You were one of the reasons I was so excited to go back to Auckland back in December. Remember when I told you about the Samoan man I encountered at Albert? About how I told the man one of my close mates was half Samoan and he told me, "Next time you meet him, say 'talofa.' That's Samoan for 'hello.'" Why didn't you tell me right away that you minded me regarding you a close mate? Oh I know. You still think I intentionally hurt you in that incident and no matter how many times I've told you I didn't you can't ever get enough of sweet revenge. Shit man. How fucked-up. You're even nutter than Tom Cruise.
I miss you Jonny boy. Now that we're both out of Lynfield it would be purely by chance if we run into each other. How sad. I miss your humoring me about how we lived in two different worlds, yours and mine. About how I was "old" and you were "youthful." I miss you I miss you I miss you!
On a cheerful note, happy belated 22nd birthday Tendri! We should meet up and catch up if I really can go home this June (mum's been thinking it over...woohoo!) and happy Kartini day to all my Indonesian brothers and sisters wherever you are! Wonder if kindy kids still parade in traditional get-ups to celebrate
Listening to: nothing
Friday, April 21, 2006, 12:14 a.m.
omigod somebody please pinch me...
Yikes. It's happening. Right before my very eyes. Yikesyikesyikesyikesyikesyikesyikes...
Stay, Isyana. Stay. You're not affected. Come on, stay. You REALLY are not affected. You used to be good at this when you were younger.
Ah shut up. Screw the "I used to be good at blablabla when I was younger" stuff. The past is the past and now is now. Besides, if I leave they won't give a damn.
But yikes indeed.
Wayne, take me home with you. I need to see the friendly faces of my home buddies. I need to see Lia, Henny, James and Orchid. I need to see the college guys. I need to see my new niece. I need to see my cousins. Almost one year on and I still don't feel welcome in Auckland.
But you know what, now that I've considered Auckland my second home, I can claim the friendliness of Indonesia and the cold of New Zealand. And I'm proud of that. Although I'm still pretty much bittered by the NZ's cold (both people and weather) I'm confident I can thoroughly survive it. I've been here almost a year and I have no intention to go back to Indo for good.
But still...I need to go home. I need my country's warmth for a change. But the bad news is my mum DOESN'T LET SPEND WINTER BREAK THERE!
Listening to: nothing
Wednesday, April 19, 2006, 12:03 p.m.
tag stuff15 years ago
Got it from Rosie...I did the same tagged stuff exactly three years ago, and it was also near my birthday that I had to go "I was (insert current age) going on (insert next age)" I have go like that again this time, and it's a bit tricky!
I was seven going on eight, and little did I know that 1991 was going to be my best year yet. I was truly a child this year, and loving every single second of it. I spent the years before desperately wanting to grow up, and the years after as an adult trapped in a kid's body (until I turned 13.) I did very well at Al-Azhar Kemang
, the only private school I attended in my life, and was bullied a lot by my classmates because they were jealous of me. Hahaha...10 years ago
I was 12 going on 13. I was this rich preteen who would wear only designer clothes, shoes, and bags...LOL. I also often gave people once-overs and secretly disregarded them if they wore fake designer stuff or didn't wear any designer stuff at all. Hahaha what a superficial little bitch.5 years ago
I was 17 going 18, about to finish high school. I had a boyfriend who I was so into but he wasn't that into me, but we dated for a little over a year anyway. I was also a party animal at this stage of my life.1 year ago
I was 21 going on 22 and was sooo in love with this German arsehole called Freddy. And for no apparent reason, whereas when I fall for a guy it's usually for a good reason or two. I'd also finished my three-year-old college at Universitas Indonesia
with a GPA of 3.03 out of 4.0. Sweet as!Present
22 going on 23. Bad week after bad week after bad week. Apart from that, however, I rejoice in living my life-long dream of living overseas on my own and attending one of the best schools in the world, The University of Auckland
. And at this ripe old age, I still haven't a success in figuring men out. The shame!Listening to: nothing
Tuesday, April 18, 2006, 09:49 a.m.
One of the perks of learning English literature is finding out there are people in this world who are actually weirder than you and make big bucks out of their weirdness. Performance artist Laurie Anderson is one of such people. To clue you up a bit on her uniqueness, here's one of her music videos, Beautiful Red Dress ('80s as!)
If you think that's weird - even by 1980s standards - wait until you see the rest of her works. Bursting into scene in 1981 with the single O Superman, she's now (by far) NASA's only artist- in residence.
I did nothing else. Just dressing up yet another paperdoll.
Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
Monday, April 17, 2006, 10:28 p.m.
Two-year-old Hapsha Napianto is the cutest and happiest baby I know...This kiddie laughs and smiles most of the time, and guess what, this picture is a candid one. She was rolling and laughing and jumping in bed when I took the pic. She's the one that makes me feel broody...
I don't wanna lose you like I've lost him. Please keep things the way they are now. Don't make advances. Please don't.
Listening to: Britney Spears - To My Sister (Little Me)
Saturday, April 15, 2006, 11:46 p.m.
i do not feel ashamed...
Hokay. So I don't care if you do or don't. But my instinct tells me you're in denial. And I trust my instinct.
You may view me as a stupid indecisive bitch but I watch. And you know pretty damn well I write much better than I talk. And you know I have a really strong memory I can dish out every detail about how we first met. And you know that to speak and write a second language really well like I do one needs a brain as well as patience.
Are you confused? I am. How does it feel to be 21? I sure know how it feels. Heck, I'm 22 going on 23. Being 21 was horrible...It turned me into the person you know now. Trust me, I was way cooler when I was younger.
Do you want me to be honest? I mean, BLATANTLY honest? You don't seem to know your own mind. You want proof? You said you merely hinted at the idea of us being a couple, that's why you didn't actually pop the question. Okay. But then you got mad at me "rejecting" you and you told me you didn't want to go out with anyone who rejected you. It was just another imagination of yours - I'm sure you realize that - for you didn't say, "Will you be my girlfriend?" and I didn't say, "No, I'd rather be mates." Sorry, I'm at it again.
You want more evidence? Just today you said that as "friendly colleagues" we could meet up and do an essay together or just talk or do anything else we felt like doing. But just half an hour ago you cringed at the idea of us meeting up to have a talk. Geez man. I'm indecisive. But guess what? SO ARE YOU!
You see, I'm supposed to get over you. I don't even need to listen to my other mates for this one. You've done enough damage to my psyche. But getting over you is no easy feat. You had me at hello, and before things got ugly you'd shown that you were a keeper. I have a weakness for keepers. But I will get there, no matter how long it takes. No matter how many more times I stray from my words (trust me I never set out to do it. Most of the time it's impulse.) You don't believe me? Compare this and this to this blog. FYI, Pipi is my pet name for Ricky, my longest ex.
Off the topic, it's exactly a month before my 23rd birthday babay!!!! Hahaha oh gweez I'm a grandma...
EDIT: You know who I miss? Not you. Me. My 20-year-old self to be precise. Back then you and your lot were nothing but toys. And I miss those days...I miss riding home from my UI campus after the dark had fallen, with my Nokia N-gage earphones plugged in. I miss having dinner after school with my campus mates. I miss giving them a lift home. I miss their praising my singing voice. I miss our madness. I miss Depok when it rains. I miss the restaurants and cafes and bookstores along Jalan Margonda. I miss home, with my girls and I giving each other pecks on the cheeks mostly before we part. I miss the guys patting me on the back and giving me high fives like I'm really one of them. Auckland is cold with its current cold weather and cold people with only themselves in mind. But you know what makes Aucks colder? You. Ready to stab my chest with an invisible knife.
EDIT II: I'm my own biggest enemy. My head plays unwanted memories almost all the time. The voice in me keeps shouting things like, "Loser!" and, "He's not the only one who hates you. His family does too. His brother knows you, remember?" There are many things you wish you could run away from. In my case, myself is one of them. But try as I might I never even can run away from my problems, let alone from myself.
I remember this one Sunday back when I was nine. I went to a wedding and then I went swimming at the now non-existent Patra Jasa. God it was a fun sunday. I think I didn't really enjoy it back then because I had assignments due the next day. But come to think of it now as a 22-year-old with more problems than a nine-year-old can ever imagine, I wish I could go back to that sunny Sunday and make the most of it.
Listening to: Meredith Brooks - Bitch
Friday, April 14, 2006, 12:05 a.m.